Reminising About Dark Days

Something that I think is very obvious about me is that I am an extremely nostalgic person. Extremely. This is not something that I particularly appreciate about myself. I often find that I am nostalgic about the past instead of just living in the present. And my mind tends to wear rose colored glasses when it comes to my memories. And I remember everything. Everything.

Something else about me that may not be as obvious is that I struggle with depression [maybe that is obvious, I don't know]. Not so much in the past few years. But I struggled with it greatly in my past. I had one particularly deep bout of depression in 2004-2005. This was my junior year of high school. 

I sometimes find myself nostalgic for this time. Is that weird?

I remember the time I was driving 90 mph down Olympus Dr near VSPC. I remember the time I could not bear to get out of my car and just sat in it for hours. I remember driving to Vacaville and back with Runaway Train on repeat. I remember feeling abandoned. I remember punching my steering wheel until my hands hurt. I remember sitting in the back corner of Bayside, weeping uncontrollably. I remember pushing everyone that truly cared about me away. I remember wishing that I could just disappear. I remember begging for the pain to subside. I remember felling utterly defeated. I remember a lot of my dark writing. I remember wishing I could dive into myself and stay there forever. I remember ditching school just to listen to Kurt and drive and try to escape myself. Overall, I remember this deep physical pain that felt like it was squeezing my torso.

Yet somehow all of these memories have a sweetness to them. These made me who I am. It helps me be understanding to people who are experiencing things that they don't even understand. It humbles me. It reminds me how much my friends love me. It reminds me how many amazing people I had in my life that helped me out of this place. It reminds me that I am strong. It reminds me how lucky I am to be where I am today. It makes me appreciate Christian for loving me into happiness. It makes me a whole, complicated person.

Whether or not that's weird, its true.