Certainty? Not in this life.

First of all, I have to brag about Christian a little [ok, possibly a lot]. He really is the best partner anyone could ask for.

[Allow me this somewhat long-winded side note: The reason I call Christian my "partner" is intentional and three-fold. One, the term "husband" carries some conventional and personal negative connotations that I do not agree with and that I feel Christian does not fit in to. "Husbands" are supposed to be the head of the household, inattentive and obnoxiously immature. Second, I do not feel the term "husband" completely describes our positive egalitarian relationship nearly as well as "partner" does. Thirdly, who doesn't want a partner in life? Does that not sound just wonderful? And finally, why do the gays get the best term? I am borrowing it from them because I like it. Ok, that was four. Whatevs.]

So, back to Christian being amazing. He is [the cursor has been blinking here for what feels like forever because putting Christian into words can be challenging] just the best friend ever. His patience is astounding. His love for me is something I never expected to experience. He supports me in anything I want to do, even if it changes every day. He makes me feel beyond secure and stable. He has the biggest heart. He has shown me that I am capable of accomplishing great things and that I am a good person. He loves without any expectations of receiving anything in return. The steadfast love that he has for his friends and family is indescribable. He sees the best in everyone. He is incredibly forgiving. He is the only person that can make me laugh even when I am really mad at him and trying my damnedest not to even smile. He has a great sense of humor; he gets my sense of humor. Plus he has the most beautiful smile.

Sappy, I know. And that is not meant to suggest that everything is hunky-dory here in Lawstown, USA. I think most of our friends and family have witnessed us bickering [at the very least]. We fight. We get on each others nerves. We snap at each other over nothing. But you know what? That's life. We have flaws and shortcomings, but we accept one another and appreciate that those qualities make each other a whole person. At the end of the day, all I want out of life is to spend it with Christian. Rich/poor, here/there, angry/happy, joyous/depressed - I just want Christian by my side.

All that being said, losing Christian would be devastating. I love him more than I could possibly put into words and I have absolutely no idea what I would do without him. Being the worrier and worst-case-scenario type person that I am, I am always worried that something is going to happen to him.

So, the other day at work we were discussing how constantly worrying is unhealthy and can be destructive [duh]. I cognitively know that worrying doesn't do anyone any good, but I cannot stop it. I have tried and tried. I have gone over and over in my head that the odds of something happening to Christian are very slim. And then it hit me.

I spend so much effort worrying and then trying to convince myself that nothing is going to happen, that I never realized the truth. Something could happen. People get into car accidents every day. People kill each other every day. People experience fatal freak accidents everyday. Life is fragile. Why would something happen to me? Why wouldn't something happen to me? If I just admit all of this to myself then it frees me from worrying.

The only thing that I am guaranteed is that I have Christian right now. I may not have him tomorrow or in a week or a year. So I have to live my life with him now. I hope that I get to be with him for another 65 years, but if I don't I want to have enjoyed my life with him. I want him to know that I love him. I want him to know that he has made my life better than I ever thought was possible.

[If this is all coming off a little morbid, I apologize. These are the thoughts that run through my head all the time and writing about it seems to help.]

Life can be beautiful and it can be heinous. Good things happen, bad things happen. Life is unpredictable. It is a harsh reality to accept, but it is inherent in what we understand as life. The fact that nothing is guaranteed is what gives us passion and excitement. If everything was safe and easy, then we would miss out on so much of what life has to offer. I am not saying that we should all go sky diving [although that would be fun]. I am saying that we should be crazy about those that we love because if not now, when? And we should not do it out of fear of losing them, but out of joy that we have them.